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What to say when you don't know what to say

Thu, 13 May 2021 10:03:46 +0100

Post by Talk Campus: https://www.talkcampus.io/post/what-to-say-when-you-don-t-know-what-to-say

If I can think of one ‘pandemic positive’, it is that our collective struggles of living through such a challenging time have helped to normalize what it means to struggle with our mental health. If you look around, it seems like conversations around mental health are everywhere. Our discussions on social media, and with our friends and family, seem to have shifted to be more real, open and vulnerable.

However, despite this progress, one of the key barriers to open conversations around mental health is the fear of saying the wrong thing. Often people can feel uncomfortable, or worry about giving the ‘wrong’ response if someone does disclose a mental health issue to them. And who can blame them? Mental health training is something that many of us have never encountered.

It’s not always easy to find the right words when someone is struggling. It can feel daunting and sometimes we worry about saying the wrong thing so we don’t say anything at all. Because there are so many misconceptions and stigma around mental health problems, choosing to speak about these can be very difficult. So, if a friend or loved one talks to you about some of their difficulties, there are useful ways that you can support them.

Here are a few tips about how you can offer support when you have a friend or a family member struggling, or if you wish to reach out to someone on TalkCampus to support them.

1. Stop and listen, rather than trying to give advice.

It is more important to be genuinely caring than to say ‘all the right things'. Be supportive and understanding of the person you are supporting, and listen to them with undivided attention. Try your hardest to not jump in with your own related experience; although it’s well-intentioned it isn’t always relevant. Let them know you’re there to listen. Don’t try to fill the silence as they pause to think. Let them think. Let them feel. Let them self-reflect on what they’ve told you, and what they want to do next. Let them lead the discussion at their own pace, as you don’t want to put pressure on them to tell you anything they aren’t ready to talk about. Talking can take a lot of trust and courage. Always remember that you might be the first person they have been able to talk to about this.

2. Offer empathy.

Empathy, unlike sympathy, does not mean we agree with the other person or see things from the same point of view. Instead, it requires taking a moment to step outside of our normal patterns of thinking and feeling to imagine what it feels like to be the person in front of us. Sometimes people believe that no one else in the world feels the way they do or understands them. Let them know that you’re not judging them and that you understand how they are feeling. Distress increases for people who feel isolated, and by showing empathy, you can help the person you are supporting to calm down.

3. Use open questions:

If you’re struggling with what to say to someone why not try asking them an open question and see if you can get them to open up a bit more about how they are feeling. Open questions are ones that don’t lend themselves to yes or no answers, they encourage people to say a little more, like these:

“How are you feeling?”, “What’s that like for you?”

“What’s going on for you at the moment?”

By taking the time to try and understand more about what’s going on for someone you’re showing that you care and that you are interested in them. Try and keep your questions open if you can, although this isn’t always possible and there are no rules!

4. Summarise and reflect what someone is saying
Another way of being supportive is to summarise or reflect back on what someone is saying. It might sound strange but this can show someone that you have really heard and understood what they are saying. For example, you could say something like this:
“It sounds like you’re feeling really upset that your mum isn’t listening to you - that must be hard”
“I can hear that you are feeling really sad at the moment and want to let you know I’m thinking of you”
“It sounds like you are really going through a hard time at the moment and you’re not finding much hope in the world, have I understood right?”

5. Keep connected
It might be hard for the person you are supporting to have the energy to keep up contact, so try to keep in touch. Sometimes just a few short words to let someone know you’re thinking of them can make a real difference to how someone is feeling. Just by saying to someone that you’re thinking of them, that you care and they’re not alone can make a big difference.

6. Don’t be afraid to ask difficult questions.

If you feel like someone is really struggling, and may be at risk of harming themselves, it’s important to act promptly. Sometimes people are reluctant to ask directly about suicide or self-harm because they think they will put the idea in the person’s head. This is not true. Similarly, if a person is suicidal, asking them about suicidal thoughts will not increase the risk that they will act on these. Instead, asking the person about suicidal thoughts will allow them the chance to talk about their problems and show them that somebody cares.

7. Know your limits.
It’s important to remember that although you can offer support, you are not responsible for the actions or behaviors of someone else, and cannot control what they might decide to do.
If you feel as though you are out of your depth, you can let the person know that you care about them and want to support them, but encourage them to reach out to a professional or to extend their support system.
If someone is at immediate risk, you do not need to agree to a promise to not tell anyone else. Instead, give an explanation why, for example, “I care about you too much to keep a secret like this. You need help and I am here to help you get it”. You need to take action to make sure they are safe. You might want to offer to go to the GP with them or help them talk to another friend or family member.
After supporting someone, make sure you take appropriate self-care. Providing support and assistance to someone struggling can be exhausting and it is therefore important to take care of yourself.

And what about supporting someone you don’t know, on TalkCampus?

TalkCampus is all about showing people they are not alone and that there are people out there who care. You have the ability to support someone just by being there and being you.

Here’s some advice from the TalkCampus community on how you can get involved with supporting others:

“If someone was nervous about commenting on a post I would ask them to think about how it feels when they get comments on their own posts. The feeling of not getting a comment is no one’s favorite feeling. A short comment saying nice words can help a lot of people”

“I would tell them not to be afraid. Tell them as long as you are trying to help them then say it. You might even save their life”

“If you don’t know what to say, you can say that! People want to be acknowledged and feel support, it can feel vulnerable to post something about ourselves, sometimes there aren’t words to help, but showing up is what’s most important.”

“If you wanna help or give words of wisdom just go for it, that’s why we are on here!”

TalkCampus Buddy Program

If you are interested in learning more about supporting someone, why not apply for our volunteering program and become a TalkCampus Buddy? TalkCampus trains students as community peer supporters by providing online training to equip you with the skills you need to support someone online.

No designated shifts - volunteer when it works for you.
Flexible training and development - learn at your own pace and in your own style.
Take a break whenever you need to - your mental health takes priority.
Help others and become part of a global community - have a positive and meaningful impact on the lives of fellow students all over the world.

Let's talk about gratitude shaming!

Tue, 23 Mar 2021 12:23:08 Z

Original Article: https://www.talkcampus.io/post/let-s-talk-about-gratitude-shaming

“Is it weird to think that your problems are not worth talking about because you know that other people have worse problems?”

We all know that the past 12 months have not been great for our collective mental health. Everyone is feeling it in some way. Maybe you’re feeling lower than usual, less motivated with your studies. Maybe you aren’t sleeping as well, or experiencing anxiety around your safety or your future. Or maybe you are just feeling completely burnt out. Typically, if you had been feeling this way for a long period of time, a doctor or psychiatrist may consider these warning signs for a mood or anxiety disorder. However, these symptoms now also double as totally normal reactions to living through a pandemic.

But does the fact that we are all collectively experiencing these emotions, make them any less valid? Or does the spectrum of the tragedies many people have experienced affect the validity of what we are all feeling individually?

This year, I have felt a whole range of emotions. I’m homesick for my friends and family who are 18,000 miles away. I have anxiety about what the next 12 months might look like. I’ve felt extra sensitive, I’ve felt sad, I’ve felt fed up and overwhelmed. And then I scroll through my social media feed or turn on the news, and that all changes almost immediately, to a feeling of guilt.

Let me list all the things I’ve felt guilty about so far this year:

I feel guilty I’m not on the front lines.

I feel guilty I have a nice place to live during the lockdown.

I feel guilty people have died and lost loved ones and I have not.

I feel guilty for not helping out enough.

I feel guilty I still have a job and others don’t.

I feel guilty for feeling homesick, sensitive, sad, fed up, and overwhelmed when it feels like so many others have it worse.

I feel guilty for not feeling more grateful.

So many people have grappled with guilt and shame throughout the year about their relative safety, security, or privilege.

And we don’t just do it to ourselves, we do it to others too. How many times have you said to a friend, or had a friend say to you, “it could be worse”. All this does is make us feel like we should be grateful it’s not worse, and feel guilty that gratitude isn’t the initial reaction we had to that negative experience.

In November 2020, Sahaj Kohli, founder of Brown Girl Therapy tweeted about a concept called gratitude shaming.

When you gratitude shame yourself, you don’t accept, validate, or normalize your emotions, including the negative ones, which are both warranted and healthy.

The fact is, things can always be worse. And it’s not helpful to get caught in an endless loop of telling yourself you don’t deserve to be in pain because other people are in more pain. Over time, this could turn into a pattern of telling yourself that your feelings and experiences don’t matter. And this internalized narrative can result in resentment, guilt, and low self-esteem.

Practicing gratitude is one of the most beneficial things we can do for our mental health and relationships, but the idea that gratitude means you can’t hurt or suffer is toxic.

Humans are complex beings who are capable of holding contradicting feelings at the same time. I can feel homesick for friends and family while also feeling grateful to be privileged enough to have an overseas experience. I can feel hopeful for the next few months while also feeling fed up at the thought of the ‘hamster wheel’ existence of the weeks ahead. I can feel empathy for those who have suffered the loss of family and friends due to the pandemic this year, and also acknowledged that this year has been challenging for me too. And it’s important to be compassionate with ourselves about these feelings because they’re entirely normal.

So why is all of this important? And why are we talking to you about this today?

The risk of not validating your feelings is that you don’t reach out for help when you need it. That you try and ‘deal’ with everything on your own. That you bottle things up and ‘get on with it’ because someone else is more worthy of the support and you don’t want to stop them from getting it, or you’re embarrassed to share what you might feel is trivial.

So here are 5 things we want you to remember and focus on when you feel yourself start to slip down this rabbit hole.

Your sharing helps others to share. We all need validation sometimes, even if it’s just to hear, “wow, that’s really tough.”
Everything is relative and all feelings are relevant. Two people who have the exact same experiences would feel differently about the experience. This is why we should never compare our pain with someone else’s.
Don’t let your feelings spiral out of control, getting support early on can really help.
You matter and building self-worth is important. If you feel that you need support can you challenge yourself to reach out?
Everyone is going through battles, everyone gets affected in different ways. Sometimes it's the small things that can really tip the balance, so who is to say what the small and big things are in life?

If you could do with some support today I’d really encourage you to take that step to get it. It’s okay to not be okay.

10 tips for coping with whatever life throws at you

Mon, 01 Feb 2021 13:01:52 Z

It’s a New Year, but it doesn’t feel all that ‘new’ with the coronavirus pandemic continuing. It’s safe to say that 2020 wasn’t the year any of us expected. Not only has it changed how we live, socialise and study, it’s also introduced wider repercussions for life beyond 2020. Heading into 2021, things are more uncertain and it’s likely that the futures, careers and plans we made look quite different to how we first imagined.

Dealing with uncertainty and change is one of life’s big challenges and if you’re struggling with this then you’re not alone. We at TalkCampus have pulled together a few thoughts about how to cope with some of the things that the pandemic has thrown at us, how to manage those really tough moments by focusing on a few key strategies, but also how to enjoy and thrive even when life throws curveballs at us!

1. Don’t always look for safety in numbers

When things are tough, it’s natural to want to search for people in the same position as you. It’s reassuring to know we’re not the only ones and there is definitely value in realising that everyone has ups and downs. However, everyone and every situation is unique. What works for you might not work for someone else and vice versa, so try to find the pathway and solutions that are right for you. On the surface, someone might seem to be in the exact same situation as you, but dig a little deeper and those similarities will be limited. Instead, surround yourself with people who can inspire you, walk alongside you and encourage you to find your own way forward.

2. Stay in the moment, at least some of the time

Focusing on the here and now is a great way to connect with yourself. Tuning into your feelings and your body and slowing down your thoughts can bring a real sense of calm. Our minds have a tendency to get stuck in the future, worrying, planning, obsessing even. The reality is that the future is never certain. In fact, did you have plans for how life would work out when you were younger? I’m willing to bet that things didn’t turn out how you originally thought they would. I’m also willing to bet that for the most part things have turned out okay, perhaps even better? Many of the jobs and technology (not to mention the current affairs) that exist now wouldn’t have existed when you first started to think about what you might want your life and career to be. The same will be true of the years ahead. Rather than focus too much on planning at the moment perhaps you could focus on you and developing your skills, learning about what you enjoy and caring for yourself so you can embrace the future, however it looks.

3. Cut ‘should’ from your self-talk vocabulary

There is a lot of messaging around what we should and shouldn’t be doing during the pandemic and our social media feeds are full of peoples lockdowns achievements. All that ‘should’ does is leave you feeling guilty,ashamed and inadequate. Quick tip, swap out ‘should’ for ‘want’! Rather than saying ‘I should be exercising every day’, instead it becomes ‘I want to exercise every day’. This small change may lead us to act out of desire and self-compassion, not obligation and guilt.

4. Be curious about change

The one consistent in life is change. Change can be scary, but it can also be energising, opening up new doorways and challenging you to grow and explore different parts of yourself. It doesn’t feel easy, it often feel uncomfortable. We each have our own comfort zone and the closer we get to the edge of this the more challenging it gets. But this is also where there is the most potential for you to explore life, to

understand yourself better, to know what makes you tick and the kind of people you want to surround yourself with. It’s where we grow and growth can be an incredible thing!

5. It’s okay to be sad. It’s also okay to be happy

When life gets tough we can easily stop giving ourselves permission to also enjoy it, or parts of it. Even in the darkest moments there is room for joy. It’s one of our bodies coping mechanisms, it gives us a small break and it connects us with others and ourselves. Life has beautiful moments and devastating moments and they all come together. Let yourself see the good, look for it and appreciate it. If you find yourself feeling happy, enjoy it, celebrate it and remember it. Happiness and sadness can coexist.

6. Find your anchors

We don’t always have control over what happens to us and around us in life and this can be very unsettling. The things that happen in the world, and also in our own lives, can leave us feeling unbalanced and a little at sea. To help you in these times find your ‘anchors’, the things that ground you and make you feel calm and which will help you navigate these stormier times. Maybe it’s a routine - the same breakfast each day or a moment for a coffee or tea each morning; something you do each day or return to. Perhaps it’s a hobby or perhaps it’s a friend you talk with regularly. Maybe you find a bit of time each day to ground yourself or you go for a run, listen to music or write in a journal. Find what works for you and use it to give yourself consistency, familiarity and to guide you through the ups and downs of life.

7. Remember to set boundaries with others

Everyone has been impacted by the pandemic, some in more ways than others. While you want to be there to support friends and family, it’s really important to maintain boundaries for your own mental health. For many people, establishing boundaries can feel challenging and distressing, but boundaries are at the core of our wellbeing. If you feel like someone is relying on you a lot emotionally, make sure you remember to put your own oxygen mask on first. Don’t feel like you have to engage instantly, make sure you are prioritising your own self care. You cannot look after others if you aren’t taking the time to reset your own energy.

8. Stay connected

When you’re struggling it can be tempting to withdraw and isolate yourself. It’s not easy to tell people how you’re really feeling and it can be even harder when you pretend that you're okay when you’re not. But connecting with others can help you get some of those difficult feelings out, to air them, digest them and hopefully lessen them. Talking with someone else can be one of the most helpful things you can do, whether it’s a professional, a friend, someone you trust or whether it’s talking to a complete stranger in a safe context.

9. Know that you’re not alone

Life is tough and we don’t say it enough. Too often we plaster a smile on our faces and pretend that everything is great, when actually sometimes it isn’t. I think we all know deep down that this isn’t helpful to anyone. We end up feeling more alone than ever because we can’t talk about how we’re really feeling. But if there’s one thing you remember from reading this far, let it be this: you are not alone. We are all in this together and while life may look different for all of us and we will all go through our own twists and turns, you don’t have to go it alone.

10. Ask yourself “and then what?” when you’re stuck on an anxious thought.

Not all of our anxious thoughts are rational, so by asking yourself “and then what?” you force yourself to think further ahead. This helps us to weed out those thoughts that are unreasonable or improbable.

London Metropolitan University and TalkCampus

London Metropolitan University have partnered with TalkCampus, who provide a safe space for students to give and get peer support. You can instantly connect with other students from around the world and talk about how you’re really feeling, any time of the day or night. You can talk to someone who might just be able to offer that listening ear and walk alongside you for a little while, so you never have to feel alone.

Find out more here: https://www.talkcampus.io/london-metropolitan-university

Author: Jennifer Russell, TalkCampus Clinical Director

Blog

What to say when you don't know what to say

Let's talk about gratitude shaming!

Original Article: https://www.talkcampus.io/post/let-s-talk-about-gratitude-shaming “Is it weird to think that your problems are not worth talking about because you know that other people have worse problems?”

10 tips for coping with whatever life throws at you

Original Article: https://www.talkcampus.io/post/let-s-talk-about-gratitude-shaming

“Is it weird to think that your problems are not worth talking about because you know that other people have worse problems?”